Couples Refresh
Pitfalls & Practices Game
Four Pitfalls & Transformation Practices
How to Play (Simple Rules)
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Go slow and stay kind.
This game is for connection, not conflict. -
Pick a category at the top (Start With Heart™, Own Your Part™, See the Good™, Stay in the Room™).
Scroll or shuffle and draw a card. -
Take turns.
Whoever draws the card asks the question.
The partner answers first. No interrupting. No correcting. -
Two passes each.
If a question feels too big in the moment, you may pass — up to two times each. -
Keep it light.
Don’t debate. Don’t dig up old stuff. Don’t take yourselves too seriously.
Stay curious, not defensive. -
If anyone feels overwhelmed — pause.
Take a breath and jump back in when both of you feel calm. -
End each card with gratitude.
“Thanks for sharing that” is enough.
Have fun. Stay open. Let the deck do the work.
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Admiration, Gratitude, Honor, Warmth, Don't Hate Appreciate!
77-114
Presence, regulation, calm, re-engagement; refuse to quit.
114-150
1 Start w/ heart:
What is one way I can start conversations that helps you feel safe instead of tense?
Proverbs 15:1 — “A gentle answer turns away wrath.”
2 Start w/heart:
What is something small I did this week that made you feel seen?
Psalm 139:14 — “You are wonderfully made.”
3 Start w/ heart:
What’s a softer way I can approach sensitive topics with you?
Colossians 4:6 — “Let your speech always be gracious.”
4 Start w/ heart:
What is a stress you’re carrying that I may not see?
Galatians 6:2 — “Carry each other’s burdens.”
5 Start w/ heart:
What helps you open up instead of shut down?
James 1:19 — “Quick to listen, slow to speak.”
6 Start w/ heart:
How do you prefer I express my frustration in a healthy way?
Ephesians 4:2 — “Be completely humble and gentle.”
7 Start w/ heart:
What question do you wish I asked you more often?
Proverbs 18:15 — “The wise seek understanding.”
8 Start w/ heart:
What truth about yourself are you learning this season?
John 8:32 — “The truth will set you free.”
9 Start w/ heart:
What helps a conversation start well for you?
Proverbs 20:5 — “Deep waters… insight draws them out.”
10 Start w/ heart:
When do you feel I misunderstand your emotions most?
Psalm 34:18 — “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted.”
11 Start w/ heart:
How can I check in with you more intentionally?
Hebrews 10:24 — “Stir one another up to love.”
12 Start w/ heart:
What tone feels safest to you when we talk?
Ephesians 4:29 — “Speak only what builds up.”
13 Start w/ heart:
What is something you need me to slow down before saying?
Psalm 46:10 — “Be still and know.”
14 Start w/ heart:
What daily ritual of connection would help you feel grounded?
Deuteronomy 11:19 — “Talk… when you walk along the road.”
15 Start w/ heart:
What’s one thing you’re looking forward to?
Psalm 37:4 — “Delight yourself in the Lord…”
16 Start w/ heart:
What helps you soften when you feel tense?
Ezekiel 36:26 — “I will give you a tender heart.”
17 Start w/ heart:
What conversation recently made you feel close?
Philippians 1:3 — “I thank my God for you.”
18 Start w/ heart:
Where do you feel most misunderstood in communication?
Romans 15:5 — “Grant you harmony.”
19 Start w/ heart:
What helps you transition from task-mode to connection-mode?
Luke 10:42 — “One thing is needed.”
20 Start w/ heart:
What is a hope you have for us this year?
Jeremiah 29:11 — “Plans to give you hope.”
21 Start w/ heart:
What’s something you want us to talk about more gently?
Proverbs 15:23 — “A timely word…”
22 Start w/ heart:
What fear sits underneath some of your frustrations?
1 John 4:18 — “Perfect love drives out fear.”
23 Start w/ heart:
What would a gentle apology sound like to you?
Colossians 3:13 — “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
24 Start w/ heart:
What helps you open emotionally when you feel guarded?
Isaiah 41:10 — “Fear not, I am with you.”
25 Start w/ heart:
What is one topic that makes you freeze up?
Psalm 142:3 — “When my spirit grows faint…”
26 Start w/ heart:
What truth about us encourages you?
1 Thessalonians 5:11 — “Encourage one another.”
27 Start w/ heart:
What’s a repair attempt that always works for you?
Matthew 5:9 — “Blessed are the peacemakers.”
28 Start w/ heart:
When do you feel rushed or pressured in conversation?
Ecclesiastes 3:1 — “A time for everything.”
29 Start w/ heart:
How can I help you feel emotionally safe more often?
Proverbs 3:3 — “Bind love and faithfulness.”
30 Start w/ heart:
What helps you get out of defensive mode?
Psalm 56:3 — “When I am afraid, I trust in You.”
31 Start w/ heart:
What’s something you need less of from me?
Psalm 23:2 — “He leads me beside quiet waters.”
32 Start w/ heart:
What’s something you need more of from me?
Philippians 4:19 — “God will supply all your needs.”
33 Start w/ heart:
What conversation style helps you stay present?
Proverbs 10:19 — “The wise hold their tongue.”
34 Start w/ heart:
What feels “sacred ground” in communication for you?
Hebrews 13:4 — “Marriage is to be honored.”
35 Start w/ heart:
What helps you feel like we’re on the same team?
Philippians 2:2 — “Being of one mind.”
36 Start w/ heart:
What do you wish I understood about your day-to-day emotional world?
Galatians 5:13 — “Serve one another in love.”
37 Start w/ heart:
What helps you feel comfortable starting hard conversations?
Psalm 46:1 — “God is our refuge.”
38 Start w/ heart:
What’s a truth you want us to return to more often?
Psalm 119:105 — “Your word is a light.”
39 Own Your Part
What helps you feel that I'm truly listening instead of defending?
James 3:17 — “Open to reason.”
40 Own Your Part
What is one area where I could take responsibility sooner?
Psalm 51:6 — “You desire truth in the inward being.”
41 Own Your Part
What type of apology feels most meaningful to you?
Colossians 3:13 — “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
42 Own Your Part
When do you feel like your concerns get explained away instead of heard?
Proverbs 18:13 — “To answer before listening is folly.”
43 Own Your Part
How do you know when you’re getting defensive?
Psalm 139:23 — “Search me… and know my heart.”
44 Own Your Part
What belief about conflict did you inherit from childhood?
1 Corinthians 13:11 — “When I became an adult, I put childish ways behind me.”
45 Own Your Part
What helps you trust that I’m trying, even when I fall short?
Philippians 2:13 — “God works in you.”
46 Own Your Part
What’s something I do that unintentionally makes you feel dismissed?
Romans 12:10 — “Outdo one another in showing honor.”
47 Own Your Part
What’s one thing you wish I would take more seriously?
Hebrews 12:14 — “Make every effort…”
48 Own Your Part
What does accountability look like for us in a healthy way?
Proverbs 27:17 — “Iron sharpens iron.”
49 Own Your Part
What’s one assumption you notice yourself making during conflict??
Proverbs 3:5 — “Lean not on your own understanding.”
50 Own Your Part
What would make repairs feel more complete for you?
Micah 6:8 — “Walk humbly with your God.”
51 Own Your Part
Where do you feel your perspective gets minimized?
1 Peter 5:5 — “Clothe yourselves with humility.”
52 Own Your Part
How can I show you that your feelings matter—even when I disagree?
Luke 6:31 — “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”
53 Own Your Part
What does it look like for me to own my emotional reactions better?
Galatians 5:22 — “Self-control.”
54 Own Your Part
What personal trigger do you want me to understand more clearly?
Psalm 73:21 — “My heart was grieved and my spirit embittered.”
55 Own Your Part
Where would you like me to take more proactive initiative?
James 1:22 — “Be doers of the word.”
56 Own Your Part
What phrase helps you stay open instead of shutting down?
Proverbs 15:28 — “The righteous weigh their answers.”
57 Own Your Part
What behavior from me restores your trust quickly?
Ephesians 4:32 — “Be kind and compassionate… forgiving each other.”
58 Own Your Part
What’s something I forget impacts you emotionally?
1 Corinthians 13:7 — “Love… always believes.”
59 Own Your Part
How can I respond better when you express hurt?
Joel 2:13 — “Rend your heart… return to the Lord.”
60 Own Your Part
Where do you see me improving in taking responsibility?
Psalm 126:3 — “The Lord has done great things.”
61 Own Your Part
What helps you feel like we both contribute to repair?
Romans 12:18 — “As far as it depends on you, live at peace.”
62 Own Your Part
What is one thing I can do to help conflict feel productive instead of painful?
Psalm 119:105 — “Your word is a lamp to my feet.”
63 Own Your Part
What do you need from me after I apologize?
Matthew 5:37 — “Let your ‘Yes’ be yes…”
64 Own Your Part
What’s a way I can avoid repeating the same mistake?
Ephesians 4:22 — “Put off your old self.”
65 Own Your Part
What helps you stay emotionally present when tension rises?
Isaiah 30:21 — “You will hear a voice behind you…”
66 Own Your Part
What helps you know I take your perspective seriously?
Proverbs 16:24 — “Gracious words are honeycomb.”
67 Own Your Part
What’s one area where I can take more ownership in the relationship?
Philippians 2:4 — “Look to the interests of others.”
68 Own Your Part
What would “healthy responsibility” look like for both of us?
Galatians 6:5 — “Each should carry their own load.”
69 Own Your Part
What helps you feel like we’re growing even when conflict is hard?
Romans 8:28 — “All things work together for good.”
70 Own Your Part
Where do we misread each other most often?
Genesis 11:7 — “They did not understand each other’s speech.”
71 Own Your Part
What do you wish I understood about your internal processing?
Psalm 55:22 — “Cast your cares on the Lord.”
72 Own Your Part
What’s something I can do that helps you feel emotionally validated?
Romans 12:15 — “Weep with those who weep.”
73 Own Your Part
What would make conflict feel like teamwork instead of tension?
Ecclesiastes 4:9 — “Two are better than one.”
74 Own Your Part
What is one boundary that makes us healthier as a couple?
Proverbs 4:23 — “Guard your heart…”
75 Own Your Part
What fear or insecurity makes owning your part harder for you?
Isaiah 41:13 — “I will help you.”
76 Own Your Part
What’s something I can do to take responsibility in a way that builds trust?
Galatians 6:9 — “Do not grow weary in doing good.”